How Significant Emotional Events Shake Your World

When my two boys were in primary school, my husband went back to University full time, so he only came home at weekends. This meant, during the week, I was a single Mum. At the same time, I started a new job, which, after day one, I knew I’d made a ‘wrong move.’ I didn’t connect with my manager. And for the first time in my life, I felt anxious going into work.

What I didn’t realise was that I was running entirely on patterns I’d absorbed without questioning. You schedule everything. You stay organised. You hold it together. You don’t complain. You keep going no matter what.

So that’s what I did.

Everything was scheduled, from taking dinner out of the freezer, to going to football practice, to putting your PE kit in the wash. Probably, why I’m now a little obsessed with my calendar …if it’s not in my diary, it’s doesn’t get done!

I packed lunch and dinner in the mornings for the 3 of us. The boys took their lunch to school, and I took their dinner to work. Just before I was due to leave work, I heated up their dinners in the microwave. Then I got in the car to pick them up from school, and they ate their dinner in the car, as well as getting changed for football. Having 2 very active boys meant this was my task 4 nights out of the 5 each week!

The boys learned quickly how to be responsible for their own stuff. We agreed roles and responsibilities in the house and held each other accountable. Two of my favourite sayings: “if it’s not in the washer, I can’t wash it!” and “everything you own, has a home!”

And we made a new tradition, which involved breaking one of our house rules about “no food in the front room.” Every Sunday when my husband left, we had a ‘picnic party.’ Party plates, food spread out, the boys excited about it. It took the edge off him leaving. It was ours.

On the low days at work, I started journaling. Not pages of it. Just the positives from each day, written in a notebook. On the days when it felt relentless, I’d go back and read what I’d written. And realise it wasn’t all bad. What you focus on becomes your reality, and I needed to choose carefully what I was focusing on.

It worked. On the surface.

But I was so busy being organised, capable, and strong that I couldn’t acknowledge how hard it actually was. There was no space to feel it. Every moment was scheduled. Every emotion was managed. Busyness had become coping. Scheduling had become control.

It amazes me now, looking back, how I held it all together. The full-time job I didn’t want to be in. The boys. The football runs. The picnic parties. I did it. But I didn’t know what I was living by. I just thought: this is what you do.

What this Significant Emotional Event taught me: my priority value that season was Family. Keeping us together, keeping us functioning. But underneath it I was living by a pattern I’d absorbed without knowing it. Busyness equals coping. Keep going no matter what. Don’t complain. Don’t feel it. Just schedule another thing.

Significant Emotional Event: Child leaving home

My resilience was tested again when I set up my business in October 2015. Two months later, Dad passed away. Then in June 2016, my younger son left home just after his GCSEs. He went to live two and a half hours away.

At the time, I noticed I’d filled my life up with stuff. My diary was full of client appointments, CPD workshops, concerts, DIY, time with family and friends. There was hardly a space in my day, or night, when something wasn’t booked in.

It felt good. I was in the busy zone. I kept telling myself my energy levels were well and truly topped up.

But something really important had been put aside.

I attended a CPD workshop about the left and right brain. The facilitator explained that the left brain which focuses on logic and reason tends to take over when there are emotions we don’t want to deal with. With the help of the left brain, we close down our hearts and avoid connection. It takes over with logic, creating tasks, appointments, reasons to stay busy. Anything to keep us away from the discomfort we’re afraid to feel.

We were also invited to notice the constriction we experience when we protected ourselves out of fear.

I sat there and knew immediately what I’d done.

My son was leaving the next day. He’d been home for four weeks. And I’d filled every single space in my diary so I wouldn’t have to feel it. When he’d first left home, I’d felt a painful sense of loss as it changed my role as a Mum. This time I knew he was leaving for much longer. So I’d overwhelmed myself with tasks and appointments to avoid feeling that loss again.

I went home and cancelled my appointments.

The next day I opened my heart and spent quality time with him. I told him how much I loved him, even though it hurt to see him going away. It’s so easy to get into the habit of asking people how they are and accepting “fine, good, OK.” Opening my heart meant sharing what was actually beneath the surface. The real feelings. Not the managed ones.

I recognised what my busyness had actually been. A fear of loss dressed up as productivity. I’d shut down my feelings as a form of protection from pain. And once I saw it, I changed my working week so I could visit him regularly. Not to be busy. To be present. To stay connected.

What this Significant Emotional Event taught me: my priority value that season was Honesty. Being honest about what I was actually feeling instead of scheduling it away. But I’d been living by a pattern I didn’t know I had. Busyness equals avoiding difficult emotions. I thought I was being productive. I was protecting myself from grief.

What These Significant Emotional Events Taught Me

Two different events. Two different seasons. Two completely different things that mattered most.

When I experienced separation, my priority value was Family. When my son left home, my priority value was Honesty.

Same person. Different seasons. Different priorities.

Family didn’t stop mattering when Honesty became the priority.  They just weren’t what that particular moment required most.

And here’s what I’ve learned, both from living this and from walking alongside others through it for 20 years:

Most people never get to ask the question. They just keep living by the rules they absorbed. Productivity equals worth. Busyness equals coping. Loyalty equals never giving up. Keeping going equals strength. Feeling it means weakness.

Until a Significant Emotional Event happens. And those rules stop working.

That’s an invitation to finally ask: what actually matters to me?

If You’re Experiencing a Significant Emotional Event Right Now

You might have come to this article because something happened. Or maybe you’re recognising patterns in your own life that you’ve never questioned before.

Significant Emotional Events are painful. They disrupt everything. They force you to question what you’ve been living by.

But they’re also invitations. Invitations to stop living by someone else’s rules. Invitations to choose what actually matters to you.

The choice is yours.

What Comes Next

If you’re navigating a Significant Emotional Event and need guidance:

When Everything Changes: Choose What Matters

A 7-day guided programme for people experiencing a Significant Emotional Event. Each day arrives in your inbox with a story, a reflection, and a practice. No overwhelm.

One question at a time. One truth at a time. One step forward.

That’s it. That’s enough.